two years today, and i feel like i cant breathe without you...

Have you ever been punched in the stomach, or gotten hit with a soccer ball in the stomach, where it winded you so bad that you thought it had COMPLETELY taken away your chances of survival/breathing? It seems overdramatic, but it hurts and you cant remember how to breathe at that very moment. Remember that feeling as a kid? I do. I fuckin hated it. I used to play soccer, and I CONSISTENTLY had that happen. bastards. thats what its like with you gone. i dont even know if your gone. you just dissapeared. dissapperated. disbanded. fuckin took off.

As mad as I am at you, I would give anything to see you and know you're ok. But i cant stop living. I have so much to live for. and so much to do. I just wish I could do it with a clear head.

I'm planning a wedding, I want to have waterballoon fights with my niece and nephew. (its too bad your birthdays are the same day, its really quite bittersweet.) My mums sick, Dev. bloody hell man, you left when things got so rough. I needed you. So much. But you needed me, and I let you go. I'm sorry.

When you get home can we start over? Please? <3

I miss you like crazy. And I miss playing earthworm jim. and I can't listen to SOAD without breaking down. and I can't hear alone or total eclipse of the heart without becoming a sobbing ball of shit.


But I think of our 6 packs, late nights, ridiculous laughter, last minute plans, long talks, getting mad and never staying mad, dancing because we felt like it, our king cans, long walks and/or drives, and karaoke memories... and i smile. I cry. I laugh. and I smile again. because you are my best friend. and I'll never forget you.

I miss you Dev, I wish you would come home... but sometimes, thats not in the stars. sometimes It is. either way, you do what you gotta... but let me know when its done.

<3